What is your choice?

Last week was my sweet girl's 5th birthday - FIFTH... FIVE... CINCO!! 

At first my brain could not wrap around how quickly the time has passed and how lucky I feel to be her mom.  Memories of giving birth to her (oh how vivid those memories still are), her first smiles, her first steps, her first, second, third and fourth homes (gotta love the military), her first days of school... all these thoughts flooded my mind and made me smile.

And yet, there was a vague sadness in my heart.

Her birthday was very emotional for me and it made me cry.

I was sad to think that I only had 13 more years of major influence in her life before she headed out the door for college.  Over 1/4 of my pre-college influence was already gone and I wondered what have I done in that time?  What have I spent most of my time doing?  And my first answer, made me very, very sad.

Of my daughter's first five years of life, I have spent so much time GRIEVING.

I was on bed rest for 4 months trying not to lose her sister while our daughter was being cared for by so many incredible friends and family - but, not me.  I spent most of those 4 months terrified of miscarrying and living in fear.  I gave birth to her sister at 22.5 weeks gestation and then spent the next year in a constant up and down battle grieving her death.  3 months after the one year anniversary of her sister's short life, I miscarried and we grieved again.

We pursued adoption and were very shortly matched with a birthmother.  She gave birth 3 months later, handed him to us in the hospital and we took him home to be our son.  We fell so in love with him.  24 hours later, she asked for him back.  And we grieved...

The next 3 months were not just spent grieving, but I became obsessed with adoption and trying to "find our child".  I felt like a complete obsessive mess scouring the adoption websites every day, looking at all the Heart Gallery's of America and getting involved in an adoption networking system that yielded 30 baby born or soon to be born situations in about 4 weeks.  We received phone calls from agencies across America almost every day.

And then we found out we were PREGNANT!

A week later, we found out we were likely carrying twins (my lifelong DREAM) as I began to miscarry once again.  The day we lost them, we received a phone call about our son who was born just the day beforehand.

The Lord’s Prayer is one of the most incredible verses in the Bible to me.  Matthew 6:11 states, “Give us today our daily bread.”  It is one thing to grieve lost relationships or death (and to fully process your grief takes time - sometimes a LOT of time).  But, when our sorrow turns into a habit, prevents us from moving forward, causes us to regress or becomes crippling by additional trials - our grief needs to be severely and swiftly dealt with.  Tomorrow has never, nor will ever, be promised.  This verse does not say, “Give us yesterday” or “Give us tomorrow” – it says, “Give us today”, reminding me that we are not meant to be crippled by the past or focus too much on the future.  We are simply meant to live in the present - to live daily; to see each day for it's unique, beautiful and incredible gift.

I spent an entire year after our daughter died crippled by grief and many times feeling ineffective for God and inadequate as a wife and mother because of it.  When her first year anniversary hit, I was so relieved!  I felt like I could finally pick myself up and start moving forward.  There will always be moments when I think of her.  A certain song, a child with the same name, seeing another child that would have been the same age, hearing about other babies born too soon or hearing of someone's miscarriage.  My grieving will not end until I meet my Maker in Heaven; when God will make whole all the things that have been broken and destroyed; perfecting all imperfections of this world.  But, my grief does not need to leave me crippled.

Not that we ever forget those broken dreams or death of relationships - they make us who we are as they mold and shape our character.  But instead of dwelling on and living in the broken dreams, we can approach each day with the reality of what we can still hold on to.

I have an amazing husband who loves me.

I have two incredible, gorgeous, amazing children.

I have a very supportive family.

I have some of the best friends in the entire world.

I have a been involved in some great church families.

But most importantly, I have a Father that loves me, that grieved with me, that cherishes me, that sent His Son to die for me.  I have hope for Heaven and a relationship built for eternity where all grieving will one day be restored!

My choice is to live daily - to not allow grief to cripple me - to do my best to be effective for God through my circumstances - to understand that each day is a gift and to do all I can to use it wisely!